'Her'

I have been trying to write this since International Women's Day in March.

I have abandoned this post many times for fear of saying the wrong thing or offending someone. I keep coming back to it and have decided just to go ahead and put it up.

Before I go any further, I must say that my reflections will carry the bias of a 20-something, white Canadian woman. I'm not an expert on Malawi or women's issues and have no authority to speak on either. My intention is to share my observations and learn through feedback. As always, corrections, dissenting opinions, comments and dialogue are welcomed.

As a woman and a feminist, I very much support activities that work to promote the empowerment of girls and women. I believe that there are horrific problems facing women and girls throughout the world and salute individuals and initiatives that work to chip away at this myriad of issues.

Living in Malawi, I am constantly confronted with the gross gendered disparities that exist here. For example, of the 38% of Malawians who are illiterate, 64% are women. Malawian women make up 52% of the population and 67% of them live below the poverty line. Sexual violence against women and girls is far too common, and HIV prevalence is much higher among women.

I have heard countless horror stories and resolved many times to write about the injustices faced by Malawian women. Every time I start to write, a funny thing happens. It feels inauthentic and exploitative and I abandon whatever I start.

I realized that the problems is that I've been trying to regurgitate the perception of 'the African woman' (as if there were only one) that I had somehow forged into my psyche when I was young.

Some long-ago, media endorsed Western perception of 'Her' wanted to perpetuate itself out of my pen. To take out dimensions of personality, circumstance and culture and put forth a simplified summary of who 'she' is. Tell a heart-wrenching sob-story of how marginalized she is and how hard she works.

It is true that many women here are marginalized and that many are very hardworking. While I have oftentimes found myself angered by the injustices that oftentimes come along with being a woman here, I realized that I don't see the Malawian women (only) in that way. There is so much more - heaps of beauty, intelligence, resilience, colour, personality, abundance...

Needless to say, I've been feeling a bit stuck - how can I talk about the 'bad stuff', without generalizing a huge demographic? How can I share my observations without dehumanizing and further marginalizing a group of people?

I don't have any answers, but from the ruins of my efforts to write about 'Her', this is what I came up with:

***

I've spent a long time trying to write about what happened to Her,
Thinking about why I can't find the words to tell you about Her
and I've come to this:

I am not the purple-blue shadows that were once forced onto my skin by the hands of a male partner who wanted to control me
or the self-imposed starvation that devoured my tweens as I tried to fit an imposed ideal of beauty
I don't define myself by the struggles I have faced in my experience as a woman

So why would I define her by hers?

I can't tell of a one-dimensional Woman
With all the tabloid-style sensationalism
That so many in the West too often hear

BECAUSE THAT IS NOT WHO SHE IS

and it is not my right to tell you about her
but a sacred privilege bestowed upon me
 
So I can no longer paint her picture as the
face on many a development agency website
try to stuff my words
into the false mold of the single-African story -
the plight of the poor Malawian woman
told by us without Her

If I told you she was raped
If I told you she is malnourished
If I told you that she wakes up at 4am to fetch water

I would be raping her of her humanness
Starving her of her dignity and
Drowning her with who the world thinks she is

If I didn't also tell you that her favourite subjects in school were math and science
and that her favourite chitenge is the one with the Manchester United logo on it
and that she could kick your ass any day at netball!

She wants to be a nurse
and adores the colour turquoise
and named her baby 'Chikondi' because of the love that she has for him

Indeed I would be doing us all a gross injustice
If I flattened her into one easily palatable dimension -
using certain parts of her story to selectively cast darkness
on all that she is

***

Malawian English

As is oftentimes the case when speaking a language that is not your mother tongue, Malawian English has some wonderful eccentricities.

Let me start by saying that the English spoken here is phenomenal. The vocabulary is varied and incredibly formal, oftentimes poetic. I am amazed at the ability of my friends and colleagues to express
themselves verbally and orally in their second, third or fourth language. I can't even seem to figure out how to express myself in French, let alone Chichewa.

Chichewa is the national language of Malawi, although there are many other languages from different ethnic groups. Chi-chewa is the language of the Chewa peoples', Chi-yao is 'the language of the Yao
peoples', you also have Chi-tonga, Chi-tambuka... you get the picture. English is called 'Chi-zungu' (azungu are foreigners).

A major feature of Chichewa is that a sound is not complete if it does not end in a vowel. This means that English words that have a hard consonant at the end oftentimes take an 'ee' sound in Chichewa tradition.

My friend Neev became Neev-y, a meeting is oftentimes a meeting-y, people don't think – rather they 'think-y', etc.

Another common pronunciation is interchanging Rs and Ls which I understand can be a hard distinction for many non native English speakers (in the same way I have trouble shoving 2 consonants together
to pronounce words like Nsima, Nkhota, Mzungu, etc).  My name frequently becomes ResRey, RasRai or RestRies, or some variation thereof. On one occasion I was buying a bus ticket and was asked for
my name for the ticket. When the ticket was issued to RAISRAI.

I rarely hear these linguistic nuances discussed by Malawians, but today was a very surprising exception.

I sat in on a very detail oriented 3 hour meeting this morning (on planning an HIV advocacy event, nothing to do with linguistics or English). By the end, all of the participants seemed tired and ready to be finished.

When asked for any final remarks, a man put up his hand and said: 'I do not claim to be an expert in the Queen's language. However, as a Malawian and a former English teacher, I must emphasize that the word is pronounced CONFIRM and not CONFILM. In the same way, it is a BIRD not a BILD. When I and R are together in a sentence, it makes anIIIRRRR sound, not ILL. In addition, it is called the Ministry of Health, not the Ministry of Health-y.'

The room erupted into laughter. To the right of me, my colleagues were practicing saying HEALTTTHHH without an 'EE' sound at the end. To the left, a colleague who jokingly mispronounces my name was saying 'Did you hear that Rastries?!'

The meeting chair then thanked the former English teacher for his addition, conFIRMED that there weren't any further comments, and closed the meeting.

Finding Hope

During my time in Malawi I’ve done a lot of questioning.

I’ve often wondered if I have imposed myself by coming here to work in development, a field that I know little about.

I’ve been questioning systems and structures of development and watching my optimism dissolve into a realization that they aren’t always all that they’re cracked up to be.

I’ve found out that the type of development that we imagine is happening is oftentimes broken and that we can’t expect that our best efforts will always translate into a full stomach or a sustainable solution.

I’ve discovered that we (myself and similar minded individuals) can’t possibly believe that the way that WE think development should work is absolutely right.  I’ve learned that the ‘dollars = higher moral ground’ equation deserves some serious questioning.

At times I have felt hopeless and helpless and have left the country twice during leave time to take a break.

One of these times I had the privilege of going to Ethiopia.

I will put details about my Ethiopia trip in another post, save for this.

I was sitting in a hostel in North Western Ethiopia when I met a man whose name I fail to remember but whose words are entrenched in my being.

He was Ethiopian, working as a professor in international affairs and development at a nearby University.

I asked him questions on certain aspects of development, curious to hear his thoughts and desperate to gain some perspective.

After answering my questions, he asked me what I thought.

I admitted to having little development knowledge or background.  

Admitted that I, like so many other well-wishers had hoped to ally and support my Malawian counterparts in their development work.

Admitted that I didn’t know anymore if I believed that international development can actually work

‘Why?’ he asked.

I found myself searching exasperated for an answer.

I finally sputtered ‘it is more difficult than I ever imagined…. the problems with development work are so BIG, the issues we are fighting are so BIG, the challenges are so BIG…’

We sat silently in the wake of my awkward admission. When I raised my eyes to meet his, he held my gaze and offered me one of the most profound gifts I have received in the form of a seven single syllabled words. 

‘That is why you need BIG hope’.

Software of the Mind - Part 5: Ideals of Beauty & Being Called FAT

I was recently out of town for work and sharing a room with a colleague. In addition to being a lovely woman, she is also a beautiful ‘big Malawian Mama’ (very round in stature).

Every evening when I put on my pajamas (a fitted t-shirt and yoga pants), she would tell me that I was getting fatter in Malawi. She would say something like ‘Malawi is making you soooooo FAT’ or ‘Every day you are looking FATTER and FATTTERR’….

So what does a 26 year old, weight sensitive, Canadian woman do when she is repeatedly called fat in Malawi?


Well, she does what many of my demographic do best - act passive aggressive. I would try to laugh it off and ask her ‘do you really think so?’ to confirm that she meant it. 


After confirmation I would then crawl into bed, choking back tears and feeling wounded. I would silently vow that tomorrow, I would eat less nsima, find time to do some exercise, stop myself from morphing further into the hideous, fat beast of a woman that I had become (sarcasm).

After the 3^rd day of hearing about my apparently exponential expansion, I couldn’t take it anymore.


I told her, in as much gentleness and restraint as I could muster, that in my culture, telling someone how fat they are is done to tell them they have a problem or in order to hurt their feelings.

She looked stunned and worried before explaining to me that she was paying me a compliment based on African ideals of beauty. 


I breathed deeply, let go of my stupid western fat-phobic conditioning, and thanked her for calling me fat.

Software of the Mind - Part 4: Verbal Expression

A few months ago, I was sent to a meeting on gender and HIV. The group was trying to decide upon the next steps required to launch their coalition.

I had (what I thought to be) a great idea, and decided to share it. I structured my argument in the same way I would in Canada:

I stated my point concisely (I think we need to do X first, followed by Y and then Z) and then provided the necessary rationale (because it would be more challenging to do Y before  X first for this reason, and it would be in our best interest to do Y before Z for this reason).

After what I thought to be a pointed intervention, everyone in the room looked at me perplexed, it was as if I had been speaking another language.

I listened as the conversation continued. It was clear that they had either completely disagreed with my recommendation, or I had failed to communicate it in a way that my colleagues would understand. 

I listened to how my colleagues formed their arguments. They didn’t actually directly say what they thought most of the time – rather they indirectly brought their colleagues to certain conclusions by asking questions and speaking around the answer.

After about half an hour, I decided to try again, as we were still on the same topic.

Instead of stating my point and then backing it with facts, I took my time.

I posed a question to my colleagues, then asked which task needed to come first, eluding to the reason why I thought one thing should come before the other.

My colleagues listened intently, and gave me the time I needed to finish. At the end, instead of the perplexed looks, tongues started wagging! ‘I agree with Chifundo’s (Chifundo is my Malawian name) point!’, ‘Let us proceed in this way!’…

I realized that it was the delivery, rather than the content of my message that was lacking.

Malawians communicate in a way that seems indirect to many Canadians.  Oftentimes the answer is not contained in an explicit statement of facts, but can be found within context, verbal and non-verbal cues and proverbs.  I find myself missing a lot and feeling very simple minded because of my difficultly in decoding proverbs (my mind feels lazy and seems to require explicitness and directness to understand things).

Proverbs roll of tongues here and are a great way of communicating and receiving consensus. I accidently dropped the old ‘Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence’ once and was surprised at the positive response and solidarity it rallied.

Another facet of Malawian communication is that although ‘no’ is technically in the vocabulary, it is rarely used.  As a direct Canadian, I have found this confusing when the actual answer to the question you are asking, if it were to be stated directly, is ‘no’.  If your ‘no’ detector goes off, you need to re-pose the question in a few ways to get to the root of the answer and determine if there is a ‘no’ at the bottom.

For example, if I ask my colleague if they are available to discuss something that day, they may say ‘yes, let’s discuss later today’. When I ask when they are available, they may indicate that they have a meeting that afternoon. If I then ask if they can meet that morning, they may tell me that yes, we can meet, but they have a report to write. It becomes clear that the meeting isn’t happening that day.

I may then ask if another time later this week would be better, and they will say yes and recommend a time when they are actually free to meet.

Software of the Mind - Part 3: Malawian Greetings

 When I started working in Malawi, I didn’t understand why everyone needed to constantly greet everyone else in the office.

A colleague would walk in, go to EACH PERSON’s desk to ask ‘Mwadzuka Bwanji?’ (have you woken up well?), to which each person would reply ‘Ndadzuka bwino, kaya inu?’ (yes, I have woken well, and yourself?), the greeter would reply that they had also woken up well, before moving on to the next person. At first, this seemed like a whole-lotta o’ hoopla, and I failed to understand the importance of the ritual.

The Malawian morning greeting tradition is very different than in Canada where I would walk into work and say a quick hello to the group before turning on the computer and getting to work.

In Malawi, walking past people and starting work without greetings is unthinkable.

The reason?

Greetings are a very important part of Malawian culture. For many, the greeting is more important than anything that is discussed after. To not acknowledge a fellow human being in your vicinity is an abomination.

If there is someone (Malawian) that I have never met before, I make sure to greet them properly – extend my hand, put my other hand to my elbow (done to show respect and demonstrate that you are not hiding anything) and then bend my knees and bob down slightly (also a sign of respect).

There are many different types of greetings. One for meeting someone new or who you haven't seen in a number of days, another for the morning if you have seen the person recently, one for the afternoon or if you have already greeted the person that day, informal greetings, questions as greetings... My first pages of the Chichewa book are all about greeting and acknowledge your fellow human beings!

After being here for 6 months, I have wholeheartedly embraced this tradition.  If someone fails to greet me, it actually hurts my feelings. Yes folks, I have adapted.  I don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings, so I take my time and acknowledge people with a smile and a greeting.

Software of the Mind – Part 2: Expecting (and accepting) the Unexpected

Imagine this.

You invite a friend over for dinner. You plan what you will prepare and write a grocery list. You are scheduled to work until 4:30 and plan to pick up the ingredients at the store on your way home. You should be home at 6, giving you an hour to prepare before your friend arrives.

Easy, right?

It is 4:25 and you are getting ready to send the final e-mail of the day. You wait the 5 minutes it takes for the attachment to load and hit ‘send’… you watch the bar move across the computer screen and wait… after a few minutes, instead of the ‘message sent’ screen you get the ‘Your Internet is Not Connected Page’. You ask your colleagues if their internet is working. It is not.

You pack everything up while you wait, but the internet doesn’t start back up.  It is now 4:45 and you are running late. You decide to try to send the e-mail later in the evening from home, after your friend leaves.

The commute home (a combination of public transport and walking) takes an hour and you need 30 minutes at the store. You know that it will be pitch black by 6 p.m. and it is unsafe to walk in the dark. You decide to call a taxi – he greets you warmly but tells you that he can not pick you up because he is lining up at the gas station waiting for a fuel delivery. It has been 10 days since he last bought fuel at the pump. You call the other two taxi numbers that you have in your phone (there isn’t a central company, just individuals with cars) but they are also queuing for fuel.

You have no choice – you left your bicycle at work yesterday because someone offered you a ride home. You are wearing a long skirt but decide to tie it in a way as not be revealing. You can make it home and to the store before dark as the bike ride is only 30 min.

Transport in Pick-up

 You start peddling hard, propelling the one-speed bike up the hill. Things are going well until BOOM you hear a bang and your back tire goes flat. You don’t have time to push the bike all the way before it gets dark. You stand at the side of the road and wave down a pickup truck. You offer him some money to drive you and your bike to the store. You lift your bike into the back open area of the truck and hop in beside it. He drops you at the store and you rush in to buy your ingredients.

Empty Shelves

When you get to the sugar isle, you see that the shelves are empty. Last week you heard a rumour that sugar would be scarce soon, but you wanted to finish your  home supply before buying more. You ask an employee and are told that the sugar is ‘finished’ (aka all sold out) and that they don’t know when another shipment will arrive. Tonic water, your friend's favourite is also no where to be found. You improvise with other ingredients instead.

It is 5:30 and you have just enough time to get home before it is dark. You unchain your bike, tie your groceries onto the back rack and push it, squeaking and flat-tired up the hill.

You get home just as dusk is settling and start preparing dinner.

Prep is going great – you have prepared everything and now dinner just needs to bake in the oven.  You slide the pan into the preheated oven. You did it! Only 15 minutes before your friend arrives. You can even send that e-mail…

Then you find yourself standing in the dark and silence… The lights are out and the hum of the freezer has stopped. The power is out. It may come back in 5 minutes or it could be 5 hours. Crap! You try to call your friend to let her know the situation, but the phone network has also gone down.

***

This is a slightly extreme but not unbelievable example of the unexpected surprises that are part of my daily life here in Malawi. Each one of those ‘unexpected’ surprises has happened many times in my 6 months here. In fact, the above scenario demonstrates my privilege – I have power, internet, a bicycle, money to shop at the grocery store… Most of these unexpected surprises wouldn’t be possible for many of the 80% rural population of Malawi, as well as many living in urban areas.  

I recall the famous blackout of 2003 in central Canada – the shock and fear that I felt when the power went out as I was lifeguarding at a small community swimming pool. What happened? Was it a terrorist attack? What will we do? Driving home there was mayhem on the streets as drivers were unaccustomed to not having traffic lights. People panicked! How could the power just go out like that? The region shut down. I imagine what my Malawian brothers and sisters would have thought of our hysterical reactions?

Malawi is developing, and its infrastructure is different from back home. This means things that never crossed my mind at home surprise me all the time here. These include commodotity shortages (fuel, sugar, medicine, foreign currency), power and water outages, phone and internet network problems and random stuff breaking all the time (e.g. vehicles, bicycles, electronics...).  

In my adjustment, I have developed a two-tiered strategy:

      1)    Expect the unexpected. This includes a number of techniques to minimize the impact of ‘surprises’; and,

     2) Accept the unexpected. Equip yourself with a sense of humour and get over it.

      1)  Expect the unexpected

·    

·       For commodity shortages:

o   Often rumours of a shortage come before the actual shortage. If someone tells you that sugar will soon be unavailable, go stock up.

o   I don’t have a car, but those who do try to stock up on fuel when possible. They also buy it on the ‘parallel market’, although this is much more expensive.

o   If you will need foreign currency, ask people coming into the country to carry some for you. Every time you leave the country stock up.

·       For phone network and internet problems:

o   Always carry your dongle (also known as an internet USB stick).

o   Most Malawians have at least 2 phones on different networks.

o   Having a phone with internet capability really helps.

o   Call far in advance if possible. If your phone is not working but internet is, you can skype call instead.

o   Carry a USB stick so that you can share documents without internet.

·       For water issues:

o   Although the water is generally safe to drink in Lilongwe, always look before drinking. Sometimes it comes out brown (pipe problems), and then it should not be consumed.

o   Always have extra water and a bucket nearby. Become well versed in the art of bucket bathing.

Things breaking:

o   Stuff breaks – if you absolutely need to be somewhere on time, give yourself lots of time in case your bike breaks and the pick up truck carrying your broken bike also breaks.

o   Avoid using a mac computer in Malawi as this country is where Apple products come to die. If you must use a mac computer, do so with both feet planted firmly on the ground to avoid electrical shock.

Aggression and theft:

Hiding $

o   Malawians as a whole are incredibly gentle and friendly. It is rare that someone will try to rob you, but like anywhere, it does happen on occasion. Just in case, I always hide extra cash on my body and don’t carry anything that I don’t need to.

o   Be alert when in public places, especially bars where fights are common.

Clothing:

o   I always carry a chitenje in case something happens and I need to be covered in traditional clothing (for example the trouser stripping day). This is also useful in case you need to attend a funeral unexpectedly (you should wear a chitenje or long skirt to a funeral), or go into a village where traditional clothing is the norm.

Tying Chitenje

                            

      For power outages:

o   If you are having frequent outages at a certain time, you either plan dinner before the usual outage time or prepare something in advance that can be eaten cold.

o   You make sure that you always have candles and matches close by.

o   I have a ‘home’ headlamp and a ‘purse’ headlamp (and spare batteries!) so I am never without a flashlight. You would think that having a flashlight isn’t always necessary, for example when you go to a bar or concert. Trust me – never leave home without a headlamp: Try being at a night-time concert without a flashlight when the power goes out. 

o   Ensure all that all devices are charged at all times. When you have power, make sure your stuff (especially cell-phone and computer) is plugged in.

o   When working, save documents frequently!

o   For meetings and presentations, make sure to have documents in hard copy and a flip chart and markers.

2) Equip yourself with a sense of humour and get over it:

Sure, it can be frustrating to wake up and find that you need to bathe with cold water out of a bucket or when you have to be at an important meeting and the minibus breaks down. That said, one doesn’t choose to come to one of the world's poorest and least developed countries expecting to live in the lap of luxury.  In my case, part of my reason for moving here was to experience a different way of life. It would be exhausting and completely ridiculous to expect the same comforts as back home. Most of the time, these unexpected malfunctions are completely outside of my control. Freaking out, feeling frusterated or trying to control these obstacles is a waste of time and energy.

After half of a year, I find myself much less shocked by these daily ‘adventures’ (although sometimes you come across a ‘good one’). Oftentimes, they make for a good story and laugh.

They are also a reminder of how lucky we are to have water and power and access to food, internet and medicine.

I admire how my Malawian colleagues and friends take everything in stride. There is usually a solution, and if not, it is usually not the end of the world. They have a sense of humour and a creativity that allows them to move easily through precarious situations. I take my cues from them.